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Ix Techau Evil Mastermind 14,278 pts

Annual ITK Awards: 2013-2014 winners and nominations

Posted by Ix Techau about 9 years ago · 5 replies
This article was first published on Arsenal Report in 2014.

Welcome to the first bi-annual ITK Awards results show, sponsored by no one and loathed by the internet gossip junkies! We have a great show tonight, as we'll take a look at the best and worst ITK moments of the last few months while taking inappropriately sharp stabs at anyone dumb enough to claim they have inside knowledge about anything.

If you're new to the ITK phenomenon, it's an abbreviation that stands for 'In The Know' - a term used for people on the internet, and/or in tabloid media, who claim they have inside sources feeding them information that they then openly spread as if their sources wouldn't cut them off from this stream of confidentiality the second anything leaked in the first place. The ITK people usually come out of the woodwork around the time schools end for the summer. Make of that what you will.

In the last six months we've gathered quotes, tweets, posts and comments from a selection of the most notorious bullshitters the web has seen, and we can now reveal the winners of the 2013-2014 ITK Awards. Here we go:

The Golden Poo: Ben Fairthorne

The old saying 'if you throw enough shit on a wall, something will stick eventually' applies perfectly to Ben Fairthorne's Twitter strategy where he wildly guesses at transfers all day long, hoping he'll get one right so he can live off that lucky stab for another year. In 2012 he actually claimed Wenger's "closest adviser" gives him inside information.

If that's not enough to suspend bets on him winning the Biggest Douche In The Universe Award, what is?

Winning ITK moment (7 July 2013):

Thiago joining Manchester United finally being confirmed by papers as I reported a month ago after tip off by agent.

Medal Of Hubris: Tim Payton

Ah, Tim Payton - the self-proclaimed supporter spokesperson who pokes his head into any opportunity to be seen or heard in the media, following in the footsteps of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian in a quest to become famous for no apparent reason. Lately he's used his low-level notoriety among Arsenal supporters to create an illusion of actually having inside contacts at the club, when in reality his "insider" is most likely tabloid sensationalist hack gossip columnist John Cross, who Tim hangs around with whenever he's not at Job Centre Plus.

Winning ITK moment (9 July 2013):

An Arsenal person told me today [Higuain] still might be a couple of weeks

The Illegal U-Turn: GeoffArsenal

Geoff used to be a reliable source for peripheral information such as starting line-ups and the occasional transfer revelation, mostly because he has made friends with some low-level people at the club through his line of work (apparently in producing sports events, ironically according to our inside source). But after building up tens of thousands of Twitter followers and getting a couple of lucky guesses right, self-importance kicked in and Geoff turned into an ITK monster of epic proportions.

What used to be a good source for unimportant info is now a 'Safe ITK' account, where Geoff keeps claiming things that can never be disproven or argued against. Recently started deleting tweets to give the impression Arsenal are telling him to be quiet about things. Now spends his time re-tweeting praise for podcasts and doing shoutouts from his die-hard followers.

Winning ITK moment (11 August 2013):

Did anybody screenshot my Gustavo tweet?

Platinum Training Wheels: Abroke Diaby

Previously involved in the Football Manager community where he made more enemies in just a few years than the United States of America managed to make throughout human history, he only recently started dabbling in the ITK sludge, quickly building loyal followers who swear by his accuracy.

Winning ITK moment (15 July 2013):

Cesc is signed 100% to Arsenal. Not 99.99%, 100%. Sky Sports don't know shit.

Tabloid Hack Plaque: John Cross

This slob has built an entire career on guesswork and speculation, completely bypassing every journalistic code there is in order to make a quick buck. What used to be a profession of hardcore investigative truth-seekers that valued accuracy over anything is now filled to the brim with sensationalistic opportunists who scour social media all day long in a desperate drive for site clicks.

Winning ITK moment (19 July 2013):

Suarez is keen to join Arsenal and has ditched his promise that he would not leave Liverpool for another Premier League club

This article was first published on Arsenal Report in 2014.
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